Are you a newly single parent? Whether you separated from your partner 24 hours ago, a week ago, or even 5 minutes ago, don’t let the panic about being single with children take hold of you!
Your feelings are going to feel too big and completely unmanageable right now, especially if you’ve got crying or upset children in the room with you, but the main thing to do is stay calm and take some deep breaths. Once you’ve done that, you can start to think about your next steps.
And trust us, it’s OK to feel overwhelmed and stressed out about what may happen next. But that’s why we’ve got plenty of practical tips below. Make sure you use them when you’re feeling like the world is going to come crashing down; they might just do away with the feeling altogether.
Talk to the Kids Together
Talking to the kids as a unit is a good way to broach the idea that you’re splitting up. Doing so proves to your children that you’re still OK with each other, and while life and feelings can be complicated, this is a mature and responsible thing to do.
Circumstances always vary, but if you and your ex are on fairly friendly terms, go into the conversation as a duo. Of course, if it’s dangerous for you or the kids to be around your ex partner, this is the last thing you should try. Always put your safety first, no matter if you think it would be fair or not to talk to the kids alone.
This way the kids also get to ask as many questions as they need to, and you’re both in the same place to answer them. You can talk altogether as a family and make what’s going on feel simple and not scary, and you can remind the kids that they haven’t done anything wrong.
Tell Your Account Provider
If you have a joint account with the person you’ve just separated from, make sure you talk to your bank or the institution that provides your account as soon as possible. You don’t want any of the money inside the account to be used by either party for frivolous things, especially if you’re both feeling quite low in your emotions right now, and that’s something the bank can prevent.
For example, they will be able to place a stipulation on the account that means purchases cannot be made without explicit consent from the both of you. You could also agree to split the money in half and close the account, with each of you taking half of the sum you’ve built up together as you go your separate ways.
It’s your decision, but seeing as your finances are going to change quite a lot now you’re both living with sole incomes, this is one of the most important decisions to make early on.
Get Your Parenting Plan in Writing
A parenting plan helps both you and your ex to co-parent in a healthy and productive manner, with as few arguments as possible. As such, don’t let this be a verbal agreement, or something you only discuss in passing or over text. Get it in writing, make sure you both have a copy, and even get a lawyer involved to look over it.
When something is put in writing, it gains a level of legitimacy that few other forms of communication have. Think of it as a contract you have with each other regarding your responsibilities, finances, and what’s considered fair when dealing with the kids.
We really cannot understate just how important a written parenting plan is! Really, if you want your co-parenting life to go as smoothly as possible, make sure you have a full parenting plan with all the necessary details in it. When it’s in writing, there’s no doubt over what either one of you can do, and the terms cannot be chopped and changed at anyone’s whim!
Talk to a Family Lawyer
If you’re separating as a trial right now, just to see if you need a bit of time apart before you get back together, it’s still worth it to seek out legal guidance around divorce. You’re not doing so because this is what you want, but the more you know about it now, the more practically you’ll handle it if it becomes an eventuality.
Divorce can be a scary thing. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, sometimes it’s the only thing that’s going to make life better. Either way, it’s a huge change, and a pretty permanent one at that. So always get a family lawyer involved to see where you stand, what you can do, and what the future is likely to look like. It’s never a bad thing to be informed.
Arrange Childcare
Being a single parent doesn’t mean taking care of the kids alone. You’re going to have them with you for at least half of the month, and during this time you’re going to be the only parental figure physically present with them. Don’t let this situation leave you believing you have to be dependable at all times.
After all, you can still hire babysitters and nannies to give you a break (and make sure this is outlined in your parenting plan too!), and it’s never a bad idea to let the kids’ grandparents come over and spend some time with them.
If you’re a single parent with a busy and demanding job, on top of everything else, you’re definitely going to need other responsible adults to pitch in here and there! And honestly? No one else could ever ask differently of you.
Prevent Burnout By Getting to Know the Signs
Burnout isn’t just something we have to deal with in the working world. You can get it as a parent as well. If you’re parenting alone for the foreseeable, you’re ten times as likely to experience it.
Recognize the signs early on. How much energy do you have? Are you snapping at people more often? Are you sleeping well?
One of the most distressing signs you’re experiencing burnout as a parent is feeling like your kids are annoying, no matter what. Similarly, you may feel that the last thing you want to do right now is take care of them. If this has become a mainstay in your life for the past week, it’s definitely time to take a break and see if you can get some support!
Make a List of Institutions You’ll Need to Contact
If you’ve separated from your partner, but then you get injured or become ill and have to go to hospital, you probably won’t want the hospital to call them before a parent, sibling, friend, or new partner. However, if they’re still down as your first point of contact or ‘next of kin’, they’re going to do just that.
Similarly, if you get any mail sent out and it’s addressed to the two of you, but only one of you still lives in the house, it can feel awkward having to open the letter.
As such, you’re going to want to make a list of all the institutions you’ll need to contact about your change of circumstances. We spoke about your bank above, but your doctor’s surgery, dentist, pharmacy, etc., will all need to know as well.
If you make the list now, and don’t have to constantly pick up the phone whenever you think about another organization you need to update, you won’t be panicking about who needs to know or if you forgot to tell anyone. Make this simple by doing it all in one go while your mind is stuck on it.
Think About Visiting a Therapist
We would be remiss if we didn’t mention the fact that you’re perfectly entitled to see a therapist right now. The end of a relationship is never an easy thing, no matter how you felt about your partner or what you experienced during the marriage, and seeing a mental health professional is a huge benefit.
Take some time to find a therapist you gel with and can work with properly. If you feel like you can’t open up about what you’ve been through or how you feel, you’re not going to find the therapy room a welcoming or trusting place. Above all else, don’t get put off by having a bad experience with the first one or two therapists you contact – they’re not all like that!
Be Practical About Your Separation
If you’re newly single and can’t stop worrying about what’s going to happen or how your life is going to change, protect yourself and your kids with the practical tips above. Make sure you talk to your loved ones and reach out for help when you need it, get yourself a new budget sheet to work with, and remember, being single doesn’t mean being alone. If burnout is on the horizon, even think about getting some professional help.
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